Monday, October 24, 2011

Losing HIm....

Well,  its been 2 months today since I lost him. The HIM in this case would be my father. I can't believe it, 2 months already, and yet it seems like yesterday... My world hasn't been the same without him. I miss him so. I can't really describe the pain, but I know it hurts.....

My mind is constantly racing, from old memories, to future regrets. Regrets of the fact that he won't be here to see my children grow or to see me grow more as a person. 

Some days the pain turns to frustration and anger, and then to sadness. Frustration and Anger for the simple fact, that I become angry at him for leaving. I feel like he has left me, somewhat abandon me. I still have my mother, I am not an orphan, but without him here, I feel like I am an orphan. He promised never to leave.....

Then my anger and frustration turns into sadness. Sadness for the way of my thinking, because my father was in so much pain. Pain that wouldn't even go away in his sleep. His body was his own personal hell. My father battled sickness and illness almost his whole life. So basically I am being selfish for wanting him here. Here with me....


This is the beginning of what I hope helps me deal with my past, present and my future craziness....I figured I have enough crazy for the whole world, so why not share it with the whole world....

Much Crazy Love...
Court